Unrequited Love Hurts More When You Pretend You’re Fine

Introduction—Why “Pretending You’re Fine” Feels Worse

Have you ever texted someone “Good morning” even though they never asked? I did that once—after weeks of watching their stories and waiting for them to slide into my DMs. I told myself I was “okay,” but inside it felt like a silent scream.

That’s the sting of unrequited love meeting emotional rejection. It’s a one-sided love story where your heart writes chapters they don’t read. You wait for better times and act like everything is fine, but you end up going over every contact again and again, wondering if they missed something or if you forgot to mean it.

Unrequited love means loving someone who doesn’t love you back. It is also called one-sided love or unrequited feelings. When you pretend you’re fine, you bury the pain—but that only makes heartbreak worse. Studies suggest unrequited love is about four times more common than mutual love. 

According to a study by psychologist Roy Baumeister, 98 percent of the participants said they had experienced unrequited love. The study also found that men are more likely to fall in love with someone who doesn’t like them back.

If you want to see a raw, first-person take on this exact pain, check out “When Love Doesn’t Go Both Ways: A Personal Story of Unrequited Love” on Medium. (Yes, someone else lived this, too.)

In this post, I’ll show you why pretending you’re fine adds extra weight to rejection, how this amplifies emotional suffering, and how you can move through the damage without losing yourself. Let’s get started.

What Is Unrequited Love—More Than a Crush

You know that feeling when your heart races every time their name pops up, even though they’ve never looked at you that way? That’s unrequited love, and it’s more than a harmless crush. It’s love without return, where emotional energy flows one way and never comes back.

Psychologists define unrequited love as an unreciprocated attraction rooted in deep emotional attachment and idealization. It sits on the spectrum of what psychologist Dorothy Tennov called limerence—an obsessive, involuntary state of romantic desire. Tennov described limerence as “an involuntary state of intense romantic desire for another person, usually accompanied by obsessive thoughts and a longing for reciprocation.”

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One-sided love thrives on hope and fantasy, unlike a mutual relationship, where affection grows through shared connection and validation. In one-sided love, you fill the space with meanings you made up, misinterpret signs, and replay moments that didn’t mean the same to them.

According to the Wikipedia entry on Unrequited Love, surveys indicate that almost 98% of people experience it at least once, and around 90% of adults recall being on one or both sides of it. That’s nearly everyone—feeling too much for someone who feels too little.

This kind of attachment isn’t about weakness; it’s about human longing, connection, and how our brains are wired for emotional validation, even when love goes unanswered.

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Signs You’re Living in Unrequited Love

A friend once told me she spent weeks rewriting a text she never sent. She wanted to say “I miss you,” but settled for nothing. That silence said everything.

Unrequited love hides behind hope and mixed signals. You convince yourself they care, even when their actions say otherwise. Here are the signs of unrequited love you might be ignoring:

• You start every conversation; they rarely initiate.

• You often see that your messages are read, yet you continue to wait for a response.

• They discuss other people they like.

• You replay chats, searching for hidden meaning.

• You feel emotional pain after every interaction.

• You excuse ghosting or inconsistent attention.

• You overthink every emoji or delayed response.

• You give them emotional energy, and they never return it.

• You feel anxious or drained instead of secure.

Psychologists say these patterns often connect to your attachment style. People with anxious attachment crave closeness, while avoidant partners pull away. Without healthy emotional regulation, you keep chasing validation instead of peace.

You’re not “too much” if you see yourself on this list. You’re reacting to emotional rejection—a wound that lingers when affection isn’t mutual.

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Why Pretending You’re Fine Makes It Hurt More

I laughed through group hangouts while my heart sank. Every time someone mentioned their name, I smiled like nothing cracked inside me. Pretending to be fine doesn’t make the ache fade—it buries it deeper.

When you suppress pain, your brain treats it like unfinished business. That creates internal conflict, where your feelings fight your mask. You scroll, distract, or dismiss it with a joke, but your mind continues to circle—rumination masked as resilience.

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Your inner voice starts whispering things like:

“You’re being dramatic.”

“They didn’t even promise you anything.”

“Just move on.”

That self-talk fuels psychological distress. Studies in emotion regulation show that suppressing sadness increases rejection sensitivity—you start reacting harder to small triggers or reminders. You think that numbness means healing, but silence only makes sadness last longer.

In an essay on Tiny Buddha, Dealing with Unrequited Love: How I Started to Let Go and Love Myself, the writer describes how pretending to be strong led to emotional burnout. They could not start to get better until they told the truth and said, “I’m not okay.”

Facing your feelings isn’t a weakness. It’s emotional honesty. The moment you stop pretending, you start healing.

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The Brain & Emotions Behind Unreturned Love

Ever wonder why your brain refuses to let go, even when your heart already knows the answer? That’s not bad judgment—it’s affective neuroscience at work.

When you fall into unrequited love, your brain releases dopamine, the same chemical linked to craving and reward. Each text, glance, or memory becomes a hit. You start chasing that emotional high, even without a real connection. This process is what psychologists call romantic idealization—you fall for the idea of them, not the reality.

In this state, limerence feels stronger than genuine love. It’s an obsession disguised as passion, powered by the brain’s reward system and fear of loss. Your internal dialogue keeps saying:

“Maybe they’ll see me differently someday.”

“If I act chill, they’ll miss me.”

But logic rarely wins against emotion. The same circuits that respond to pleasure also react to rejection and heartbreak, creating cycles of emotional processing that mimic withdrawal. The pull feels stronger the more you try to fight it.

Your brain keeps reinforcing hope because it mistakes longing for connection. Understanding this biology helps you stop blaming yourself—it’s chemistry, not failure.

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How to Heal Without Pretending You’re Fine

Healing from heartbreak starts when you stop faking it. You don’t need to act strong or unbothered—you need to feel safe being honest. As the writer from Lessons I Learned from Unrequited Love (Questions and Tisane) says, “Healing isn’t about forgetting them. It’s about remembering who you are.

Here’s a simple framework to recover with self-compassion and emotional independence:

1. Validate your feelings

Admit what hurts. You cared deeply, and that matters. Emotional healing begins when you name your pain instead of hiding it. Talk about it with someone you trust or write it down.

2. Set boundaries

Stop checking their updates. Silence isn’t punishment—it’s a coping mechanism. Try a no-contact stretch for at least 30 days to reset your emotional balance.

3. Build self-care habits

Journaling, exercise, and short walks help your body release emotional tension. Practice mindfulness to calm racing thoughts and reduce rejection sensitivity.

4. Allow gradual detachment

Letting go is not one event—it’s repetition. Going a day without reaching out builds emotional independence. Contact isn’t always needed for closure; it can come from accepting things as they are.

You heal when you choose honesty over performance. That’s how you stop pretending and start rebuilding from within.

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When to Let Go—Real Talk Decision Points

One day, I deleted the chat. It was the first breath I took without waiting, and it didn’t feel intense or dirty at that moment. Sometimes, that’s how you know it’s time to accept one-sided feelings and walk away.

Letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop shrinking for someone who never made space for you. Use this checklist to determine when it’s time to move on:

• You face repeated rejection, but keep trying to prove your worth.

• The connection drains you instead of bringing peace.

• You feel anxious more often than happy.

• They only show up when it benefits them.

• Your emotional growth feels stuck.

• You lose interest in things you used to enjoy

• You replay conversations for closure that never comes.

If you recognize yourself here, your heart already knows the answer. Walking away is not defeat—it’s an act of self-respect. Love isn’t meant to be earned through pain. The day you stop waiting is the day you start healing for real.

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What If You Can’t Let Go Yet—Gentle Ways Forward

Sometimes you’re not ready to move on—and that’s okay. Coping with rejection takes time, and forcing closure only deepens the ache. When you’re caught between false hope and emotional exhaustion, choose softness instead of self-blame.

Here are gentle ways to start healing without rushing the process:

1. Express what you feel

Compose a letter that you do not intend to send. Say everything you didn’t want to. The act itself releases tension and builds emotional maturity. You don’t need their answer; you need the truth about yourself.

2. Redirect affection toward yourself

Channel the same care you gave them into your life. Get some fresh air, rest, and do things that make you feel good. That’s how resilience grows—by treating yourself as someone worth loving.

3. Create a process

Music, art, or journaling turns pain into meaning. Expression transforms stuck emotions into movement.

If your attachment centers on someone distant—a celebrity or influencer—it might be a parasocial relationship. You feel connected through content, not contact. That bond feels real but lacks reciprocity, which makes unrequited love even harder to shake.

Healing here means compassion, not control. You don’t erase love—you outgrow the need for it to be returned.

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Rebuilding Self-Worth After a One-Sided Love

When love goes one way, self-esteem often takes a hit. You start questioning your worth, wondering if you were ever “enough.” But self-worth doesn’t depend on someone’s response—it grows from how you treat yourself after rejection.

A psychologist wrote on Psychology Today that “Self-worth is not earned through approval but maintained through self-acceptance.” That idea anchors real recovery: you rebuild from within, not from validation.

Here’s how to strengthen your foundation of emotional independence and personal growth:

1. Use daily affirmations

Replace self-blame with truth: “I am lovable even when love isn’t returned.” Say it until it doesn’t seem so strange.

2. Set firm boundaries

Stop allowing access to people who drain your peace. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re acts of self-respect.

3. Reconnect with your identity

Rediscover who you were before the heartbreak. Spend time doing things that make you feel alive, not anxious.

For more insights, you can also explore Tiny Buddha’s guide on building self-worth. Healing from one-sided love isn’t about replacing them—it’s about remembering you were whole long before they arrived.

Frequently Asked Questions

Final Reflection—You Don’t Have to Pretend You’re Fine

Unrequited love hurts because it exposes your deepest need to be seen and chosen. You don’t need to hide that pain behind sarcasm or detachment. Feeling deeply is not weakness—it’s proof of your capacity to connect. In a vulnerability culture, strength comes from honesty, not perfection.

Healing starts when you build emotional resilience, not by forcing indifference but by allowing truth to exist without shame. Love that isn’t returned still teaches you how to stay open without losing yourself.

You’re allowed to miss them and still move forward. You’re allowed to heal slowly.

Read more posts on “Talk Gen Z.” Comment your story; you’re not alone.